Dogs, Free to Bad Home

One thing is clear after  my stay at home: Our dogs are horrible. They are monsters who hide their evil  with cuddling, big brown eyes and sweetness. That doesn't describe evil dogs you say? Well Sir or Madame, shut up.

They're villains, and like any great villain they are smart. They dont launch their evil schemes until the time is right.

Last week I made Abigail a bottle while she angrily squirmed in my arms. Holding onto of 11 pounds of hungry anger while trying to measure, pour and shake in the other arm is difficult for me as I am the clumsiest man in the world.

I finish up and took Abby into the living room for her lunch. I didn't think at all about the full can of formula sitting on the edge of the counter. I didn't think of our lab Molly, watching this all go down out of the corner of her eye.  My only concern was the hungry scream machine in my arms.

Abby is halfway through her bottle when I hear the dogs batting something around in the kitchen. All the cupboards and drawers are closed so I think nothing of it. Its not long before I realize the magnitude of my mistake. Molly runs into the living room with the can of formula, shaking it all over the house. She proceeds to run around the entire living room, coating everything in formula.

Not good. Abby, majorly pissed that she got kicked out of the restaurant halfway through dinner, is screaming at the top of her lungs. Both dogs are running around licking up formula.For some reason Molly is afraid of brooms, so when I start to sweep the mess up Molly starts barking uncontrollably. This does not help the pissed off Abby calm down.

I stop to assess the situation. Abby is purple with anger. Molly is trying to scare all the brooms on our block out of town. Madison is running around excitedly licking everything, like Homer in the land of chocolate.



In the face of this catastrophe, I did what was right. The only sane thing really. I put the worlds angriest three month old in her crib, ran downstairs, poured myself three fingers of Jameson (at 2:15 in the afternoon) and went to work.

Powdered formula is nasty, sticky stuff and it was everywhere, in every crevice, corner and nook in the front room and kitchen. I swept and vacuumed and swept some more. This left a big sticky mess everywhere so I scrubbed the floors. Did I mention that Molly hates brooms and mops? Yeah, she was barking the whole time. 

Cleanup takes 45 minutes, dogs barking and baby crying the entire time.  Thanks to the Jameson, I was able to face the rest of the afternoon with a strained smile.

How are stay at home moms not all alcoholics?

Control your dogs, jerk